Yesterday as we counted our way down to Christmas, we talked about designing holiday plans to support and work for us. To take this potential that comes with every holiday and structure a holiday experience filled with joy and Christmas cheer.
I also talked about the fact that holidays are co-created, between our choices and the choices of those around us. Due to the influence others have over our environment and energy, sometimes the challenge to creating holiday plans that support us is not so much about what it looks like, but communicating and enforcing our needs.
The sad truth is, despite our love there can be people in our life who do not respect our choices, wants, or needs. People who due to their personal life journeys are not in a place to honor the preciousness of all human life.
Self-Advocacy:
This holiday season, you have a choice to support what you need. This act of self-love is a form of self-advocacy. Where we choose actions and words to advocate for what we need, want, and desire. Because we matter.
While it can feel rude, hard, or even wrong at times- you always matter. This means that how you are feeling and what you want your plans to look like matters. Communicating your needs clues others into what’s going on, so that they can potentially change their behavior or actions to support you and your plans.
Sometimes even the people who have known us a long time and love us, can miss the signs when we feel hurt or overwhelm. But as soon as we stand up for ourselves and let those people know, the dynamic of our relationship begins to change and how we live and what we feel changes too.
Other times, due to whatever they have going on within themselves, some people still won’t honor, respect, and integrate our needs into the holiday plans. Whether it’s choosing not to attend a party, not to discuss private matters, leaving when you are tired, or choosing not to invite someone- sometimes they hear you speak and still plunge onwards without any care to what you said and how you feel.
Since others influence the quality of our holiday and even daily life experiences, here are three great tools for you to become empowered. To put yourself onto the list of important things.
Boundaries:
Boundaries are the invisible lines we have in our lives. The rules and requirements we have for others, so that we not only experience healthy relationships but also so that we feel safe, happy, and respected.
Many of us already have some boundaries, merely from the social cues and rules in our society. Such as,
- Not invading a stranger’s personal space.
- Not going through other people’s things or entering their home and personal rooms without permission.
- Not taking money, objects, or things without permission.
These are all invisible lines that we choose not to cross. In the process we not only become honorable people, but we are showing respect to others.
Personal boundaries are just like these examples plus more. They are our personal preferences with regards to our life.
Some people don’t like being touched. As a result, strangers and their family don’t touch them. Other people LOVE hugs and so their family learns that coming up without permission and wrapping them into a hug is acceptable, even desired.
You are your own unique person. While some boundaries will be the same as what society dictates, others will be based upon your personal preferences. Your job as self-advocate is to communicate the rules to others.
If you meet someone new or even interact with someone you have known for years, the only way they will know 100% that you do or don’t like something is if you tell them. Without communication we are all in the dark and making our best guess about what is acceptable behavior with the people we know.
Personal boundaries help you to not only design a holiday but a lifestyle that supports you. They also empower you, because honoring boundaries is a fundamental element to a healthy relationship.
BRAVING:
Our second tool is a recent addition to my own toolkit. BRAVING is an acronym about the different elements to trust. This tool was compiled by Dr. Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, who was also the doctor who did groundbreaking work on shame and vulnerability.
Essentially, BRAVING not only teaches you the elements to trust but empowers you, because…
- You now know how to be successful at being a healthy friend/family member/co-worker. You know how to be trustworthy.
- You know what to look for and require (self-advocacy) from others.
- You can communicate effectively and specifically with others. Which results in one of two end results.
One- you teach someone you love about trust, and not only do they learn but they also work to improve their relationship with you. Or, two- you learn who is not ready or interested in being in a healthy place.
Sometimes we must let go of people we know and love in order to care for ourselves. When we need to ask people to leave our lives, our conviction and strength can waver, but with BRAVING you will know exactly why you need to say goodbye.
B: Boundaries
R: Reliability
A: Accountability
V: Vault
I: Integrity
N: Nonjudgement
G: Generosity
Listen and watch Brené Brown explain BRAVING, by clicking here.
"I" Messages:
The final self-empowering tool I have for you is one my mom taught me when I was a child. The beauty of this tool is that it provides you structure to help you strengthen your communication by helping you formulate how you will speak your truths.
The second beautiful element to this tool is in its simplicity. It worked for me as a child, a teen, and still works for me today.
The “I” Message:
I feel ______ when you _____, I need you to ______.
This statement puts the situation plainly, effectively, and cannot be healthily argued. Because it’s about how you feel. You matter, your feelings matter, and this statement is an act of self-advocacy, an act of self-love.
You’re not being too serious or attempting to trigger shame or self-loathing in the person you are talking to, you are communicating. You are telling the other person what is going on so that they know without needing to guess.
This constructive statement helps you to navigate and build a healthy relationship. Which means that there are generally only three types of responses.
The Three Common Responses:
The first response is what we all hope for, that the other person will learn more about you, want to stop accidently hurting you, and work to make the necessary changes.
The second most common response is an emotional one. It is not just you and your feelings involved here, but that other person’s as well. Their perceptions, feelings, wounds, worries, and thoughts might mean that it might take some thought, time, and even separation before that other person is ready to talk. Then, they generally want to build a healthy relationship with you and make the changes necessary to reach that goal.
The third most common response demonstrates to us that this person is not ready for a healthy relationship. The response from this person can be one of derision, insulting, or even acting as if they didn’t hear you. Whatever the response might be, they demonstrate through their actions and words an unchanging nature that continues to harm, disregard, and disrespect you. When this happens you need to consider, what is healthy for you?
Fight or Flight and Communication Skills:
I do want to mention here, that if that other person or even if you need to step away before continuing the conversation- walk away.
In Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Douglas Abrams, and Dr. Rachel Carlton book, A Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want, I learned the importance of taking a time-out. (click here for the book through my affiliate link with Bookshop.org)
Essentially, when we feel confronted or in-danger (even emotional danger) we can enter into the fight, flight, or freeze state, where our body prepares for survival.
While our body is flooded with hormones, our hearing heightens, and our reflexes quicken all to keep us alive, our brain’s ability to process high cognitive thought and conversation reduces. In this moment we are not meant to be able to talk Plato or Socrates, we are meant to move and move fast so that we live.
When you enter this state, you are not able to talk about improving a healthy relationship. Which means you need to step away. This is not the same as fleeing, communicate that you need some time and that you will come back to this conversation. Then when you or both of you have calmed down and are no-longer in the fight, flight, or freezes state, you can continue on building a strong and healthy relationship.
Examples of The “I” Message:
I feel exhausted when you nag me, I need you to stop.
I feel hurt when you tease/insult me, I need you to stop.
I feel disrespected when you ignore what I say/how I am feeling, I need you to listen and respect what I am saying.
Final Thoughts:
With these three tools you can empower yourself to not only design holiday plans that honor your needs and desires but set out to create them. You can use these tools in your daily lives as well, be it at home, with friends, or even at work.
Yes, sometimes the conversations are hard and the truths about people saddening but living your life getting hurt or in the dark is never a recipe for happiness or healing. For a single moment of discomfort, you can construct a lifetime of prosperity.
Have a wonderful day Chickadee! You are deserving of the best holidays and the best life possible! Merry Christmas!