As children we gaze upon our family in adoration. We knew them to be our protectors and providers. Whether they were a blood relation or not, it made no difference. We came to know our family as those who holds us, hug us, guide us, teach us, and love us.
Yet as we grew up, we were taught false wisdom that taints our understanding of love. We are educated that we are to love our family because of blood and legal ties. Even when love has not been earned.
We then take this tainted understanding of love and apply it to every other relationship we have. Both friendship and romantic love. As a result, we’ve ended up living a life where we can love those who aren’t healthy for us.
We end up loving those who bring pain and toxicity into our lives and into our hearts.
As we grow, and enter a time of self-reflection in the world, I encourage you to look at those you love. Both past and present. But this time, remove that simple piece of false wisdom.
What is a healthy love?
Love is not given just because blood or law dictates it. Nor is it given because another person has chosen to give it to you. Healthy love comes from choosing people, places, and even things that earn your love.
How do people earn your love?
We hold within us a wealth of love. This cavern inside of ourselves grows with each passing exchange of love. We dole out love based upon who it is. The quantity in the past, was determined based on connection and not quality.
But when we choose to live a healthy lifestyle, and in this way, bring happiness into our lives, we need to make a switch and look at the people we love.
Love is earned through:
- Trust- Can you trust this person with your physical, mental, and emotional safety?
- Honor- Do they keep their promises?
- Listen- Do they listen to what you have to say and to how you feel?
- Consistency- Are they the same person each day and in each environment or do they have two-faces?
- Consideration- Do they alter or make adjustments based upon what they’ve learned about you and heard you share?
- Loyalty- Do they remain at your side even during life’s harder lessons?
And not through:
- Manipulation- Getting what they want by trying to make you into a puppet.
- Conditions- Their love comes at a price or is contingent on what you do for them.
- Harm- Do they intentionally endanger you?
- Fear- Do they control your actions and choices through an environment based on fear?
- Self-centered- Is their focus entirely on what they want and need?
- Co-dependency- Are they entirely reliant on you for their needs? Do they do everything for you, placing you into a place of being reliant on them for your needs?
Healthy love can be cultivated when we redefine our understanding of love and start to re-evaluate who we rank as the most important people in our lives. The love we have for family, friends, and lovers surpasses the love we have for humanity as a whole. This is natural.
So, who we choose to consider as family, friends, and lovers becomes essential when creating a happy lifestyle.
Looking at the people in your life:
When we change our understanding of love there can come a rebellion inside. As our own loyalty for those we have loved rivals against this new understanding.
Having recently had a birthday, I had family reach out to share in the celebration. But not all of my blood ties reached out. Why? Because despite what the law and blood says, not all of them are healthy.
When I was young there were those I loved, who upon reflection where not in a healthy place to love me back in a healthy way. Their quality of love was tainted by their own pain and wounds.
As a result, I ended up loving some people who as they declined, brought pain and sadness into my life. But when I considered things, I had a hard time being mad and severing ties with them. My love, while not earned, was standing in the way.
It was through my self-love that entered a place where I was able to let go of relationships that were toxic. In the end, it was freeing, healing, and brought a greater happiness to life than before.
The Ones We Say Goodbye To:
There are times when the most loving thing to do is to say, “goodbye.” In this way we honor our own needs and love, and we also become an example for those around us.
We re-teach what it means to love.
It is important to note that when we stop loving those toxic people, it doesn’t mean we flip to the opposite scale of emotions and then hate them. It merely means that when we dole out the love we have in our hearts, they no-longer receive that extra spoonful.
They now will only receive the same amount we give to everyone else in the world.
*Disclaimer: If you are not in a safe place to say, “goodbye,” (verbal or physical) then your first priority it to get to a safe place. Sometimes circumstances block us from the in person goodbyes, and that’s ok. Your safety is what’s most important.
The Ones We Choose To Keep:
When I made the choice to say goodbye to certain people in my life, I became even more aware of those family members and friends who had earned my love. They had participated and built our connection through time, dedication, and love of their own.
As a result, I came to appreciate their worth more. I also became much more aware and appreciative of the people I choose to include in my life moving forward, because I knew that they brought with them a healthy love.
So as you analyze your own life and those whom you have loved, take the time to express your gratitude to those who have been loving you in a healthy way all this time.
Final Thoughts:
Self-love teaches us and directs us to new paths, new wisdom, and a new understanding of life. It can become that extra boost of courage or compassion that we might need to re-shape our lives and redefine our understanding of what life is capable of.
Love exists for all people and all beings everywhere. But that special tie that exists between two people happens when we choose to reach out. Who we reach out to, is our choice. It lies within our power and because of this, we hold the power to create anykind of lifestyle we desire. A toxic one, or a healing and happy one.
Challenge:
This week take the time to consider each person you call “family,” “friend,” or “lover.” Have they earned this connection or is it time to say goodbye? If they have earned this connection take the time this week to express your love and gratitude for the wonderful components they bring into your life.
Tools:
- Each picture in this post directs you to other topics and pieces of information related to what we’ve discussed.
- Stone: Quartz.
This clear or slightly foggy stone has a simple and sustaining energy to it. Due to this, quartz is known for it’s amplifying abilities, which is why I’ve chosen it for this week. Since quartz empowers other stones it is paired with, you can add this stone to any stone you feel will best support you this week.
It could be a stone of self-love (peridot, malachite, jade). A stone of compassion (rose quartz, pink tourmaline, rhodonite). Or a stone of cleansing or grounding energy (selenite, onyx, obsidian, tiger’s eye.)
- Affirmations:
- “I invite healthy love into my life.”
- “I open my heart to all of humanity.”
- “I release toxic relationships that are no-longer good for me.”