“Once upon a time,” and “happily ever after,” are phrases that dot our childhood memories. Why? Because the prospect, the dream, the desire, and the experience of romantic love ranks high on our list of “dreams come true.”
For each of us, what we desire from a romantic relationship, changes over time. It also changes, from person to person. But whether we desire a forever kind of love, or someone to spend some time with, my hope is that we all choose a healthy romance.
We all have wounds, dysfunction, and learning to do in this lifetime. For this reason, we make mistakes and aren’t perfect. But there is a distinction between being human and being unwilling to participate in our life and work to make it better than it was before.
Through reading, learning, practicing, and developing healthy skills, we can transform our lives and the quality of our relationships.
What we’ll cover:
- A Healthy Romantic Love, What It Takes.
- You:
- Needs & Desires.
- Own Healthiness & Healing.
- Tools & Knowledge.
- Application.
- Them.
- Final Thoughts.
A Healthy Romantic Love, What It Takes:
A partnership, whether it’s a family member, friend, or lover requires two. It requires you doing your part, and the other person doing there’s, in order to achieve a healthy relationship.
Due to this there are two main components to any healthy relationship.
- One- You need to be in a healthy place & willing to work to stay there.
- Two- Your partner needs to be in a healthy place & be willing to work to stay there.
As you can see, a healthy relationship is determined by both people. What you do or don’t do, will influence the quality of what you have to offer as well as the condition of your relationship. The same can be said for your partner.
That being said, you only have control over you. (Your Internal Reality and some of the External Reality we share.) This means that the first step in choosing to have a healthy romantic relationship, is to address your own health and healing.
You:
Before we enter into a relationship there are few key points that we need to think about, address, learn, and practice. When we do these things, we will not only reach a healthy place in our lives (healthiness & happiness in life does not need to wait on you having a partner) but we also become prepared for when that special someone does show up.
Here are the points we need to address:
Needs & Desires.
As I wrote in the beginning of this post, we each of us desire a special kind of romance. Between gender, age, personality, and purpose we create a special combination to what we are looking for in a partner.
Due to this, it is essential to take the time and consider just what you’re looking for. Not only in the type of romance (long-term, short-term) but in the type of person.
This information will help us to narrow down the list of people we know and meet. Keeping us from starting relationships that won’t meet our needs (demonstration of self-love).
In addition, it’s important to re-check our needs and desires as time goes by. (In your youth you might not want a committed relationship, but as you grow that desire might change.)
We can discover what we need and desire, based upon our personal experiences (dates), what we see (friends & family) and what pulls our attention in the literature and movies/tv shows we see.
One last note, I would write two different lists for your needs and desires. Your “needs” are the essential components that you can not live without in your healthy relationship. While your “desires” are attributes and even guesses on the type of person you want.
Own Healthiness & Healing.
Since we are pursuing a healthy kind of love, we need to be in a place of healing and healthiness, in order to attract that partner who is also looking for a healthy love. Plus, we are going to want to pursue our own healing for ourselves (that self-love demonstration.)
We achieve this in many ways:
- Unlearning the past. (Past dysfunction and lies we took as truth.)
- Learning and demonstrating self-love.
- Learning healthy alternatives to the unhealthy tools we have been using to cope.
- Creating a life and environment where we don’t only survive, but we thrive. (Making changes.)
- Addressing our wounds and mistakes with love.
Through this multi-pronged healing, we can implement change on all fronts. It also allows us to discover the tools and pieces of wisdom that resonate with us. Crafting our own personal healing journey and happy life.
Tools & Knowledge.
After we know what we need and what we desire from our perspective partner, we turn our attention to knowledge and tools. Even when we find the partner who we connect with, who works with us to create and maintain a healthy love, there can be hiccups.
Which is natural and normal in healthy and unhealthy relationships. What determines whether a fight/disagreement/painful moment is healthy or unhealthy, is in the way that we address the moment.
What tools we use and how we approach the moment will determine whether our healthy love lasts or not. Which is why, we need to learn what we can about relationships and the tools we can use to minimize pain and promote longevity.
Doctors Mr. & Mrs. Gottman have spent over 35 years studying relationships. Specifically, romantic ones. In that time, they have discovered that the couples that made it vs. the ones that didn’t, was not determined by the number of disagreements they had, but how they had them.
By learning about their discoveries and other interpersonal relationship techniques, you will have a well-rounded tool set when you encounter that special someone.
Application.
The last step to our romantic journey comes through the application of all we have talked about. We apply these steps when we date and as we study to become the best possible partner we know how to be.
I want to note at this time, that when you go in search of your partner (romantic or otherwise) that your needs are non-negotiable. Through the choice and act of self-love, it is important that you don’t neglect your own needs, by accepting a partner who is not in a position to supply you with your needs.
A relationship (romantic or otherwise) does not complete you, because you are already whole. How whole you feel, is determined by the journey of self-love and healing. But there are some things that you will need in a relationship (like physical touch or space) that will come from that other person.
On the other hand, your desires and even your wants are negotiable. Stay open minded to what the Universe has planned. As we ask and pray for our healthy kind of love, (friend, family, and lover) it might come in a form unexpected. Stay open to the wonderful gifts being sent your way.
Them:
As you work to prepare yourself for a healthy love and wonderful outcome, your partner will be doing the same. They might learn different tools or work on different areas of their lives, but at their heart their desire for a healthy love will match yours.
Remember, we each of us have wounds and learning to do. But as long as we both strive for a healthy and happy life, we can achieve that healthy love.
Final Thoughts:
Once upon a time, we thought love came with a simplicity and ease. Whether we gazed across the room or bumped into one another, all it would take was the declaration of our love (and maybe battling a dragon) for our love to last.
Then as we grew up and experienced some things, our understanding of love changed. It got more complex, but it also grew. As we pursued knowledge and wisdom, we prepared ourselves so that we each of us can live, happily ever after.